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oh grrrl

whew. it's been a blustery blizard all afternoon.
i took one trip out of the neighborhood today, for a change
of scenery, a change of books/cds/dvds at the library, and a
bump into the gal who impressed me the most at the AA meeting a few weeks ago.
we weren't even a part of the same meeting that morning, but i noticed her
presence as solid, peaceful & wise.
she came over to me at the self check out counter and said 'i recognize you from somewhere.'
i told her..and also showed her the books i'm reading and told her it was my
first meeting and could i have her # cuz once i'm done educating myself i may want to visit with people next.
i don't know how the sponsor thing works, but i'd say i could possible have found mine?
i don't need someone to dump my drunk stories on, but someone to help guide me into the sobriety thing..aside from me doing what i normally do..'cept without alcohol..shouldn't be a problem..but i also wanna make sure i do all the necessary healing and all that..once i become sober for a while.
i'm rambling.
'most peculiar man' is playing on my itunes shuffle..(Simon&Garfunkel)
how appropriate! funny.
i'll figure this thing out.
i do know the craving for alcohol is gone and i see a different path ahead.
now to become less green...
ahh sweet pain of changing addictive behavior.

sex & recovery

here i sit with ambient music, my kitty, a cup-a-jo and
my thoughts. before i dive back into reading books for the day..
i thought it might be a good time to journal.
good suggestion T!
the sky is grey and sputtering snow dust.
it's a great morning to be contemplative.

i've been on a bit of a quest to get feedback and/or sex
from ex girlfriends lately.
the impulsive animal in me is shining through.
great patterns to break.
the cocoon of the darkest/coldest winter months is surrounding me.
i've quit ingesting alcohol as a habitual activity, but continue the other activities i find enjoyable. (xcountry skiing, reading books, watching movies/documentaries/visiting friends, cooking food etc..)
i'm thinking about jobs i could work next..to pay the bills..
and have decided its ok to leave my cool guy firefighter job and do
something that suits my need to surround myself with healthy/non drinker people.
i'm trying to prioritize my recovery over all the details.
if i can get myself back in a healthy lifestyle, i imagine everything else is really just details. it's as if i need to rebuild the shakey foundation i put under myself so many years ago. for that i am grateful! amazing how one little realization sinking in can change a persons perspective on their whole life.
my coming to terms with being alcoholic has been that turning point.
i don't feel there's much of a stigma attached to such a title, considering i've been
wearing the t-shirt saying 'i'm an alcoholic in denial' for years.
now i can say i'm in recovery and that is POSITIVE.
i really wish other people could be more bold in telling someone what they see...as far as all that bad behavior goes. more specifically, i wish my ex gf (faith) could have sat me
down (out of love and honesty) and told me she sees i am alcoholic and how can we change that..or even if i wanted to change that..instead of being such a quiet enabler during our relationship..then being a complaining ex enabler by saying i am a 'Big Alcoholic' after we broke up..out of meanness and negativity.
i wish everyone was more educated on the subject, before all the nastiness happened.
i don't want her back, but gawd damn, what a terrible way to end it.
zipper lipped over the problems until the relationship was over.
that is not a quality i need in a relationship partner. i need a confident, vocal and strong woman to meet me half way.
i've met her..she's across town..and may or may not be my future partner..
but i sure do admire the qualities she's shown me thusfar..and was the straw that broke this camels back into recovery.
not the reason, the last straw.
for that i am grateful. how ever this shakes down, i am grateful for a woman who is not afraid to speak her mind and heart, when the stakes are high.
back to the recovery thing. i'm feeling like one AA meeting was enough. Is that a cop out?
I had a positive experience seeing/hearing other alcoholics..and know i'm not alone.
maybe it is important for me to find a 'home group' of recovering people i can relate to and share experiences with..and maybe even find a sponsor..
i'm not sure.
maybe i will feel the need for more AA meetings if/when i get the urge to drink.
seems like until then i can just go on with living and moving forward.
time for breakfast...


here's a little somethin' i jotted down during a reading sesh.
wish i'd written down the author and title of the book..
i've plowed through sooo many lately. guess i could look at my
public library account history to recap the titles and authors..
and probably will. but for now..the author is unknown, and so is the book title.

"for addicts, recovery is not simple abstinence. it's about healing the brain,
remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind
of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to
accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing things
differently. recovery is a spiritual experience that ultimately is about healing
the soul..."
(later in the same book..)
"..."am i willing to leave behind the comfort of my old ways?" the pain of change
always gets better, but the pain of staying the same always gets worse."

how's that?


ok, i've decided to start posting. here goes.
woke up this morning to big snow flakes comin' down outside
my window, my kitty snuggled up next to my feet and for the 14th
waking moment in a row..realizing i didn't drink any alcohol the night
before! wowEEE, no hangover assessment!
for a long time i got off on being out of control, by choice.
how empowering! (NOT)
empowerment is being sober.
i finally GET it.
they say a person has to be ready..and i'm finally ready at the ripe ol' age of 36.
i've dabbled in sobriety over the years, but never approached it as seriously as i am now.
a switch went off in my little head..saying it's TIME.
do or die a slow, lonely, painful, confusing death.
yea, the fact that the last 4 women i've been in relationships with..or even dated..won't speak to me at this point in time. that's a hard fact to ignore.
if i put all 4 of those women in one room, i'm pretty sure that's what they would call
sooooo i've plowed through numerous books on addiction and alcoholism..
differing perspectives and philosophies..
and i've gotten honest with myself in saying i have to face the fact i'm an alcoholic/addict.
i don't have the ability to moderate my use..for the longterm.
9 out of 10 times it works out just fine..but it's the 10th time that scares me!
if you look up the word addict in the dictionary you see my smiling face with little horns
sprouting out of my forehead.
it's ok. i've decided (at my age) all the cool kids are in recovery..
14 days alchohol-free and i feel like a champ.
i am also in a 'not caring about capitalizing letters at the beginning of a sentence'
oh, and i don't wanna capialize the word 'i' either.
i'm practicing humility, in sentence structure.
what a rule breakin' rebel.
owwwWWWW! (that's me howlin' at the waning moon..)

Can't we all just get along?

I'm new to livejournal and really want to learn my way around.
I've got a full belly and am making an attempt to find my friend liveoneearth!
Am into Xplorin' the minds of others. We are all in this together, and if the thread can be woven between our minds (ouch! mental floss?) naww..more along the lines of collective consciousness...I believe the world will become a better place.
So here I go! Embarking into the wild world of online blogging!
( my mood is 'sick' because I have an ear infection that has taking my energy and balance away for days now. Trying to be patient and good, taking ear drops twice a day.)
I broke down and did the old fashioned 'feel good for now' medical treatment last night: red wine... along with a great phone conversation with my very own father. I asked him all about his life growing up with Polish immigrant parents on a farm in upper peninsula Michigan in the 1930s. Good thing I took notes!



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January 2008